The way in which you experience grief is unique to you. From the way you were raised, to your unique life experiences, to the circumstances surrounding the loss, it’s easy to see why grief is so complex, and can be so different for everyone.

How – and when – grief manifests in you, is dependent upon many factors:

• The context of the loss (an accident or sudden loss feels different than a prolonged illness)
• The importance of what/who was lost
• Your age or stage of development
• Your socioeconomic status
• Support from others (or lack thereof)
• Having experienced prior loss or trauma
• Your cultural or religious beliefs

Some ways in which grief may be expressed include:

Physical reactions:
• Fatigue, Insomnia
• Crying
• Feeling restless, tense or irritable
• Loss of appetite, diarrhea, vomiting

Emotional/Psychological reactions:
• Sadness, depression, and anxiety
• Shock
• Anger
• Denial
• Guilt, doubt
• Feeling helpless
• Forgetfulness, easily distracted
• Believing you hear or see the one you lost

Cognitive reactions:
• Blame (perhaps yourself, the vet, or your pet itself for getting sick)
• Seeking information about the condition they suffered from
• Thinking and talking about your pet
• Reliving the death

Social reactions:
• Increased dependency on others
• Withdrawal from others, and feeling isolated, alone
• Loss of identity
• Need to take time off work

Grief will also ebb and flow when we experience anniversaries or significant dates. Seeing items that belonged to the deceased or simply remind you of them can trigger an intense wave of grief.

There are 5 commonly recognized stages of grief that we go through when we experience loss: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. We may “know” the names of these stages, but what do they really mean for real life situations? Here’s a few examples of what you might be feeling at each stage:

Denial (and shock)
• Confusion, fear
• Numbness, disbelief
• “This isn’t happening”

Anger (and blaming)
• Frustration
• Embarrassment, shame
• Emotional outbursts, panic
• Disorganization
• Searching/yearning
• “How could this happen to me”
• “It’s not fair”

Bargaining (and dialogue)
• Struggle to find meaning
• Reach out to others
• Tell your story
• “If only I could do something in exchange, to fix it”

Depression (and detachment)
• No energy
• Feeling overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless
• Loneliness, isolation
• Guilt, sense of failure
• Starting to understand the magnitude/certainty of situation
• Detaching from others to avoid more pain

Acceptance (and healing/closure)
• Exploring new relationships, patterns
• Empowerment, self-esteem
• Helping others
• Begin to start again
• “I can’t change what happened but it’s going to be ok”

The “5 Stages of Grief” do not always accurately describe or help someone coping with an intense loss. It’s rarely experienced in a straight line, and there’s a myriad of emotions that aren’t addressed at all.

The Dual Process Model of coping with grief describes when the bereaved person continually moves back and forth between two states of being:

Loss: thinking about and processing your grief

Restoration: focusing on your everyday life

It’s a dynamic process that happens over and over again, and allows us to tackle the reality of our loss in more manageable, “bite size” pieces.

In the loss, or confrontation stage, you may feel despair, anger, and loneliness. It may include pleasurable reminiscing about your loved one, and painful longing.

In the restoration, or avoidance stage, you temporarily “forget” about the pain, and deal with day-to-day activities. These distractions might include going to work or cleaning the house, watching a tv show or reading a book. You may feel anxiety and fear as you’re adjusting to life without your loved one, and you may also feel relief and pride in accomplishing tasks or learning a new skill.

Grief is a shock to our hearts, minds, and bodies, and managing it is exhausting. By consciously (or unconsciously) thinking about and doing other things, we can give ourselves a much-needed break, helping us more effectively cope with the loss.

Anticipatory grief is when you experience the stages of grief before the actual loss. It may occur when learning of a diagnosis, or if your pet starts showing signs of getting older.

You may feel:
• Heightened concern or fear
• Depression
• Sadness
• Helplessness
• Guilt

This grief can be intense, and you may actually find relief after the loss occurs.

Use this as an opportunity

One good thing about anticipatory grief, is while you’re keenly aware of the impending loss, you now have time to prepare for it, and may feel a greater sense of appreciation for the time you have left.

You might create a bucket list to do with your pet, or simply spend more time together. This is a good time to schedule a photo shoot, or research ways in which you can help your pet stay comfortable.

“Normal,” or uncomplicated grief is when you’re experiencing predictable behaviors and reactions to loss. It’s the most common way of experiencing the grieving process.

In this type of grief, you can still engage in daily activities, and are moving through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, toward acceptance and alleviation of symptoms.

• Longing
• Crying
• Dreaming about them
• Sadness
• Fatigue
• Guilt
• Inability to concentrate

Talking about your pet with friends and family can be cathartic. Reminiscing over photographs, creating memorials from their ashes, journaling, or lighting candles are common ways of processing normal grief.

Someone experiencing complicated, or prolonged grief is essentially “stuck.” They’re not moving forward toward healing, and the grief will be chronic: lasting many months or even years. It’s a debilitating state to be in, and it can seem like you’re always going to feel this way.

Complicated grief may cause:
• Interference with work, life, and relationships
• Feeling helpless or hopeless
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Finding it hard to care about or trust people
• Constant fear or anxiety
• Strong urges to see/touch/hear/smell things, to feel close to the pet that has passed away
• Feeling like you can’t live without them

The best course of action if you’re experiencing complicated grief, is to seek help from a trained professional. Look for therapists who specialize in the human-animal bond, like Lisa Havelin.

Disenfranchised grief occurs when the grieving person is not openly acknowledged or socially accepted. This is common with people experiencing the loss of a beloved pet, who don’t have support from friends or family. It’s a very lonely place to be, when your profound loss feels invalidated by those close to you.

• Others may suggest you get a new pet
• You may not be allowed compassionate time off from work
• Others dismiss your grief as insignificant
• It may feel like there’s accepted way to mourn

If you’re experiencing disenfranchised grief, it can be helpful to find support groups in your area. Look into rescues or shelters, or even churches. Ask your veterinarian if they know of any in-person or virtual meetings you could join.

There is immense responsibility in making the decision to euthanize a dog, cat, or other animal companion that’s part of your family.

“Was it too soon?”
“Did I wait too long?”
“Was this the right thing to do?”

When you experience this responsibility guilt, you will likely:

• Feel guilt and doubt
• Question your motivations
• Trivialize your own feelings

Support groups may be helpful in this situation, or you may consider speaking with an animal communicator. Talking with a friend or other pet owners who have gone through the same thing can be a source of healing.

Delayed / Inhibited Grief

When grief symptoms and reactions aren’t experienced until long after the loss, this is referred to as delayed, or inhibited grief. People experiencing this type of grief may show no outward signs, but rather:

• Consciously or subconsciously avoiding the reality, pain, or loss
• Suppressed feelings

Distorted Grief

Distorted grief means the person is exhibiting atypical reactions, such as:

• Odd changes in behavior
• Self-destructive actions
• Anger and hostility toward others

Cumulative Grief

Cumulative grief is when people experience an additional loss while still grieving the first loss. They haven’t had a chance to fully progress through the grief process, and this added burden can lead to bereavement overload.

So much loss at once can become debilitating, and possibly lead to Complicated Grief.